The Greasy Haired Git and the Bad Rhyming Fit
by buggaboo1
Summary: Chapter 4. Spoiler Alert! Good heavens, this year, it has been quite a bummer. It started when one night in early midsummer the Black sisters paid me an unwelcome call. I should have just shown them the door, one and all!
1. Students

Part the First: Students

He lives in the dungeon, the greasy-haired git,  
"My students are awful," he says in a snit.  
"They blow up the cauldron, they drive me insane,  
They have a big mouth and a very small brain.

"There's the Longbottom boy, the blundering fool  
Who would be enough to make me quit this school.  
I'm not purposely mean, but the boy is a twit,  
Completely and utterly lacking in wit.

"He mangles the simplest potion, you see  
He can't tell a shrivelfig from a winged pea,  
Whatever you teach him, it doesn't get through,  
If you had to teach him, you'd loathe the boy, too.

"Talking of hate – there's the Potter boy, Harry:  
Obstinate, full of himself, and contrary.  
"Harry, our hero," they whimper and boast –  
The kid's as appealing as toe jam on toast.

"Dumbledore thinks that I don't understand him.  
That isn't the problem. I'd just like to send him  
Per Portkey to the Canadian prairie.  
You'd want to, too, if you had to teach Harry.

"Part of the group is Hermione Granger,  
The one who keeps Longbottom's nose out of danger.  
She has the brains that her male friends are lacking,  
If I could keep her, I'd send all the rest packing.

"It's not that she's pretty, or witty, or tall  
She's a show-off and insuff'rable know-it-all.  
But in case of a marriage law, or forced adoption,  
She is by far the most preferable option.

"As far as the Weasley boy, he is a zero  
Sidekick to Potter's deplorable hero.  
Red hair and Quidditch, intelligence: small,  
If you've seen one Weasley, you've seen them all.

"You can take every gangly, hormonal teenager  
- exempting the brilliant Hermione Granger -  
And send them to Cleveland or Northern Peru.  
If you were their teacher, you'd send them there, too."

* * *

A/N:  
Next: Snape's romantic ambitions he will confide  
But give me encouragement, down there, left side  
is a button to push, should you, reader, so choose.  
No money is made, I just rhyme for reviews! 


	2. Lovelife

"Enough about students, now what about me?  
There's more to this greasy-haired git than you see.  
The heart of a lion, the looks of a bat –  
The first part? Don't tell the Gryffindors that.

"I'm really not ugly, the good looks are there,  
If you can just disregard nose, teeth, and hair.  
Attractiveness standards, they vary by culture  
There must be some place where they cherish a vulture?

"Hooked nose, sallow skin, a billowing cloak,  
Some witch out there must fancy those in a bloke?  
I'm willing to travel, no matter how far  
To find me a woman who is up to par.

"Because here at Hogwarts, the pickings are slim –  
Look at the professors, the picture is grim!  
Minerva's too old and turns into a cat,  
And I am allergic, so that, folks, is that.

"Trelawney? Good heavens, the woman's a joke.  
One look at her is enough to provoke  
the most violent dislike – don't know what it is…  
The bangles? The constant attempts to French-kiss

every male who shows even the least bit attention?  
She once caught old Lupin, I'd just like to mention.  
It took ten hellish minutes to make his escape.  
His boggart now takes a Trelawney-ish shape.

"Hooch is too Hooch-y, Sprout's too rotund,  
Vector's so ugly it leaves a man stunned.  
(And I know about ugly; believe me, I do.)  
Pince is as exciting as wallpaper glue.

"For a starry-eyed twit, Sinistra's not bad  
Even _if _she is slightly deranged and half mad.  
But the one major drawback (it makes me quite sick)  
Is that she has a Hagrid-sized crush on Flitwick.

"I wish JK would write a girlfriend for me,  
Instead I get stuck with some loathsome OC.  
My love-life is just such a perfect disaster –  
Couldn't Miss Granger grow up a bit faster?"

* * *

So many reviews! Oh my, what a thrill!  
(That button's still there, so click, if you will!)  
Some caught the rhyming bug that's in the air  
So kudos to duj and to Vanityfair!

(Winter Solstice1also did quite fine,  
it's just that her name is much harder to rhyme!)

For now I am done, the rhyme-bug is tired  
There might be more later if I get inspired!  
(Anything specific you'd like to suggest?  
Just let me know, and I will to my best!)


	3. The DADA Professors

"Ev'ry year Dumbly goes out on a mission  
To once again fill up the DADA position.  
His choices have been, shall we say, quite erratic,  
ev'ry appointment has been problematic.

"The first of the lot was that turbaned chap, Quirrel  
With a stuttering tongue and a face like a squirrel.  
They think_ I_ have eyes on the back of my head -  
Well, he really did! And now he is dead.

"That Gilderoy Lockhart was horrid, I swear  
Even if he had rather nice teeth and nice hair  
(Think I have hair envy? Uh-uh, not me.  
_I_ think the goth look suits me to a T!)

"I snickered with glee when he asked me to duel.  
As I said before, I'm not purposely cruel  
But I must confess that it quite made my day  
To send that dork flying a long, long, long way

and then watch him land with a sickening thump -  
he spent a few days putting ice on his rump.  
And later, when I most politely did proffer  
To help him again – he turned down the offer!

"I later drew horns, pimples, and a goatee  
On the front-cover photo of "Magical Me".  
The vain, pompous popinjay now does reside  
In a ward in St. Mungo's, his synapses fried.

"Next there was Lupin, a former Marauder  
(more on those later, that topic is broader  
Than fits in with my stated topic du jour)-  
Like each of those four, he was quite immature

and never grew up; I kept having to say  
that students do not make good lycanthrope prey.  
But would he listen? No! To my disgust  
Three of my students almost bit the dust.

"It was at that point I decided to mention  
That he is a werewolf (which got their attention)  
And then he got fired – which pleased me a bunch.  
It just isn't right to eat students for lunch.

"Next in the line-up: the wiz with the Eye,  
Alastor Moody, a paranoid guy.  
A famous old Auror, a well-known old grouch -  
Except that he turned out to be Barty Crouch.

"The_ real_ Mad-Eye was locked up in a trunk  
I tell you, to find out that fact really stunk.  
(I think at this point I would support a motion  
On the broad-reaching ban of all Polyjuice Potion.)

"The next in the bunch was a Ministry pawn:  
Sadistic, pink-cardiganed She-devil spawn.  
She placed_ me_ on probation! Probation! For me!  
I wanted to hex her to South Tennessee!

"I hated that witch - well, I hate everyone,  
But that nasty old Umbridge I hated a ton!  
I have to confess that it caused me elation  
To see her laid up with a centaur fixation.

"I don't know why Dumbledore just cannot see  
That the logical choice for the job is, well, me!  
I've asked him for years, but he won't see the light  
I guess for a headmaster he ain't too bright.

"Gollum? The Tooth Fairy? Maybe Darth Vader?  
A demon-possessed Elvis Impersonator?  
Who will he hire next year? I can't say.  
But I'm _sure_ that his choice will be cause for dismay.

* * *

Thanks for the reviews, you guys are quite swell,  
And you push that button down there oh-so-well!  
I am most grateful for each single note,  
and for every line of the rhymes that you wrote! 


	4. The Half Blood Prince

Contains Spoilers for HBP – you are warned!

A/N:

The Half-Blood Prince caused me high levels of stress!  
But I hold that Snape acted under duress.  
Though as a villain Jo now has him slated  
I think in the end he will be vindicated.  
So if you now think he is bad to the core,  
You probably don't want to read this no more! ;-)

But now we shall once again get under way  
and hear what the Greasy-Haired Git has to say:

* * *

"Good heavens, this year, it has been quite a bummer.  
It started when one night in early midsummer  
The Black sisters paid me an unwelcome call.  
(I should have just shown them the door, one and all!) 

"Bella backed me in a corner somehow,  
And Cissy made me take that terrible vow.  
How was I to know the chit wouldn't play fair  
And add to the terms once I started to swear?

"Before I knew it, I somehow had sworn  
To kill off old Albus, which left me forlorn.  
I really was fond of that loony old man.  
I met him. 'Well, good bye, old guy,' I began.

'I promised to do you a terrible deed,  
But never you mind, Albus, no, don't pay heed.  
My love-life is horrible, and so instead  
I really don't care if I keel over dead.'

"But did he go for it? Heck, no, not he!  
He coolly said, 'Sevy, I do not agree.  
You keep on spying, and I'll take the fall,  
You don't get a say, buddy. This is my call.

'We need to keep tabs on what Riddle's up to.  
And I am afraid that tab-keeper is you!  
To keep Harry safe, I need someone alert -  
And I am officially older than dirt.'

"So he made me promise to follow command,  
And (when the time came) to A.K. him, as planned.  
He did _not_ give a thought what that sad situation  
Would do to my fans and to my reputation!

"I wonder how I will get out of this pickle.  
I tell you, the readership is rather fickle.  
Simply because I offed old Dumbledore  
They now tell me that they don't love me no more!

"Fair-weather friends – just that one sour grape  
Is not a good reason to blare 'I hate Snape!'  
At the first little thing they turn angry and curt.  
I have to confess that my feelings are hurt.

"No, things did not go well this year, not a bit.  
At first I was happy, 'cause I got to quit  
The Potions position and get a new job.  
But soon I found out that that teenage heart-throb

managed to pull off an 'O' in that class.  
So once again there I was, teaching that ass.  
(I mean the donkey kind, just so you know.)  
Then all of a sudden he started to show

Advanced Potions skill that defied explanation.  
(Can you just imagine my dire frustration?)  
How did he manage? It turns out the cheat  
Used my old book to accomplish that feat!

_"My _knowledge! _My_ brains! And even my spell,  
I tell you, folks, I did not take that too well.  
To tell you the truth, Draco sure took it worse  
When he got split open by Potter's Dark curse!

"Right now, there's confusion – am I good or bad?  
I feel schizophrenic myself (just a tad.)  
It might be a while 'til I prove critics wrong  
- I hope that Miss Granger'll be patient that long!

She has less in common with Ron, I might add,  
than a butterfly has with a scouring pad.  
-- Don't hyperventilate, Sev, let it go --  
_BUT WHAT WAS SHE THINKING, I'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW!_

At least I was right when I happened to say  
That the next DADA master'd be cause for dismay.  
On that final note - I think it rather stinks  
That I still didn't break the Defense master jinx!

* * *

To all the reviewers, you guys are so great!  
I love how so many stepped up to the plate  
and rhymed right along with the Greasy-Haired Git.  
It quite made my day, so I have to admit!  
But I love every review, in rhyme or in prose -  
so push that small button and leave one of those! 

And if you would like something rhyme-wise to do,  
Check out duj's series named "How Dumb Were You"!


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